Barbara Holm also hypothesized some magical new iPhone features: "The new I-Phone can tell you whether or not your parents really wanted you." Wait, really?
For more great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
I think the most uttered phrase in parking garages is, "F-ing Mini."
— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) September 6, 2014How's Kate Middleton gonna get thru the next 9 months without her mid-afternoon glass of white wine and late afternoon glass of white wine??
— Caity Weaver (@caityweaver) September 8, 2014She is best known for her signature dance, the Spilled Coffee On A Freshly Dry-Cleaned Top Tango.
— kase!! (@worstkase) September 8, 2014What does it say about me that more than one person texted me this morning to tell me that Kate Middleton is pregnant?
— Sandra Di (@Sandra_Di_) September 8, 2014I was worried I was bothering my roommate by playing Belle and Sebastian too loudly but then I remembered she went to a liberal arts college
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff) September 9, 2014The main difference between the iPhone 6 and the 6 plus is that the 6 plus makes it possible for you to go pee without getting up
— Veronica de Souza (@HeyVeronica) September 12, 2014*beer bongs coffee*
— Monica Ann (@Monicann86) September 9, 2014The time of year when my legs get sentimental. "We're really gonna miss you, outside. You're so much cooler than our other friend, tights."
— Maris Kreizman (@mariskreizman) September 9, 2014That's why her hair is so big, it's full of subtweets.
— Rachel Feltman (@RachelFeltman) September 9, 2014The new I-Phone can tell you whether or not your parents really wanted you
— Barbara Holm (@barbara_holm) September 9, 2014I don't care what the new Apple products are as long as they still make me feel more important than others.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 9, 2014When I say I'm bad at taking compliments it means I want you to keep complimenting me so I can practice and get good at it.
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) September 9, 2014A five second rule for when I wave you into my lane.
— Twitnter is Coming (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 10, 2014Today is our office team-building picnic w/ tug-of-war & dodgeball. So if ya need me I'll be on the bathroom floor having middle school PTSD
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) September 10, 2014My coffee intake cannot comprehend what you are saying.
— KMD (@KMDrunner) September 10, 2014CONFESSION: Sometimes I'll casually leave a Tampax Ultra wrapper lying out so people will know how big I am. ;)
— Diablo Cody (@diablocody) September 10, 2014The way I see it, oral surgeons are just regular people who are licensed to stab you in the mouth with no legal repercussions
— Carly Ledbetter (@ledbettercarly) September 12, 2014If a patriarchy runs the world, I don’t see why you guys still have to wear ties.
— Elise Foley (@elisefoley) September 12, 2014